Defensiveness may not be what you think it is. Most people believe defensiveness arises when you know you are right, but that is exactly backwards.

Defensiveness arises when you are NOT sure you are right, but you need the other person to agree with you for some reason that is important to you. In other words, you have doubt about your opinion/position. 

Here are some examples.

Defensiveness arises when:

· You need validation of your point of view.

· You feel threatened by the other perspective.

· You feel threatened by disagreement (with spouse, child, boss.)

· You can’t stand to be wrong.

If you were absolutely certain that you were right, you would have no reason to argue the point at all.

For example, if someone told you that you are a rabbit, would you argue? No. You would likely wonder what was wrong with that person, but there is no point in arguing such an impossible point. You KNOW you are not a rabbit. No defensiveness. 

On the other hand, if someone told you that you are stupid, you might feel defensiveness arising, if you are concerned about your intelligence compared to others. If you are confident that you are not stupid, you would have no need to argue the point. Then, you would be likely to ignore the comment and take note for future reference that this person resorts to personal attacks and avoid any more interaction.

Defensiveness is most likely to arise around your sensitive topics, aspects of yourself that you are already judging.

· I am not pretty/handsome enough.

· I don’t have enough money.

· I don’t have a college degree.

· I am too old to be single.

· Maybe I drink too much? (works for eat/sleep/procrastinate…)

· Political points of view.

When your defensiveness arises, it is an opportunity to identify one of your triggers. Once you identify your concern/fear, you can challenge it and eliminate it.  For more information, see the Clarity Key I: Stop Sabotaging Yourself.  Next class is starting soon. It will provide methods to identify and eliminate your deepest triggers!